508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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