We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
