My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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