please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
