then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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