Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
