hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
