Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
