guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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