I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
