He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
do nipples grow back?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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