I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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