Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Did I show you my penis last night?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
