Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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