totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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