Define "chronic" masturbator.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
