the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My balls are so social today.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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