My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
