My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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