He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
