Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
