that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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