At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
