Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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