You can't special order awesome
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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