He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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