I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
