Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
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