mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
