I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
