Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
