If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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