Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
