I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
