The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
