we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
operation have a gay friend backfired
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
