sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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