The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
