the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
