Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
