my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Pants are for mortals
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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