the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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