You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
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