cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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