I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
