I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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