it's too hot outside to masturbate.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
