the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
