Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
