OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
